1) True temperament and friends

This is the first post of a short series I shall be writing. Yes, it is emo. We all have our moments.

It appears I am still earning myself potential enemies because of my short temper. I thought I have been pretty good at controlling it, and letting slip a few times will be okay, but even a flash of temper this early (or late) in the year is enough to earn me a few dislikes. Society is such that if you want to be liked, you have to be infinitely patient despite whatever pitfalls or frustrations you encounter, otherwise everyone is going to hate you. Just one hint that you are of a different temperament will be enough you to a lifetime of shunning. And you can never go back. Not unless you have already amassed enough popularity to cushion your sudden lapse in propriety.

I'd like to argue that society is stupid for forcing me to change in this way in order to have friends. I thought true friends were the ones who accepted you for who you were, whether you were selfish, badly tempered, proud or narcissist. Maybe that is all just a myth. Maybe society really is about pretty faces and pretty souls and pretty much pretty everything. Ugliness in any form cannot be tolerated. Ironically, I know that even I will suddenly feel an immense dislike of a person if I am wronged. But if the person acknowledges it, I am willing to forget the situation. I guess not everyone is like that.

Sometimes I think I worry too much about what other people think of me. This habit of mine, bred over the years from forging enemies so easily, crushes my spirit every time I know someone dislikes my brash attitude. It makes me question if I should really be me, or continue conform to society and "improve" myself. Because how is it possible to be myself and "improve" at the same time?

There is a reason why people hide behind masks on a daily basis. It's because you know that revealing your true temperament, your actual personality to the public is scarier than even that bogeyman that hid inside your childhood closet. Those people who simply don't care are lucky, but where does that leave the rest of us people who crave friendship and not loneliness? Asking us to stop caring so much is a paradox, because that would no longer be us. It would be an "improved" version of us that is still as lonely as ever. Asking us to improve our personality...well there you go again. That isn't us, that is a society conformed version of us, possibly even more lonely because our friends have no idea what we really are like.

The content of this post was brought up because semester 1 of uni is ending and I have yet to see anyone who could truly accept me for who I am. Despite the fact that it usually takes me an entire year (or more) to open up to anyone, the way that uni functions hastens a strange desperation in me. Even I am not entirely sure as to why I am so demanding. It could just be my impatience fleshing out again, or it could be the fact that Aussie seems to be a place where friendships are formed and broken as easily as a drop of water. Everyone gets along with everyone by being a good bloke, and no one truly reveals anything.

Somehow, I don't think I could really live if I just have good friends that will never really know you. My mother constantly questions my need for such a close friend, but her claims that "you don't have to tell someone everything" always falls on deaf ears. I don't think she understands that I am not like her. There is a simple joy in sharing the most mundane of things with someone, even sharing painful things can offer a release.

To end on a marginally brighter note, I am infinitely thankful for the friends I currently have, those of you who have weathered through my rages and strange moods with all the mettle of a battle hardened warrior and that gift of patience that I never had; who have possibly forgiven me for all the wrongdoings I have done because it really doesn't matter to you, and not because you were taught to forgive and hide evil thoughts behind a superficial laugh. And if you did have evil thoughts, you honestly told me of my potential demise because there was nothing to hide from me. Thank you.

Cheers!
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